For over two decades, United Families International has been at the forefront of the same-sex marriage debate, including working at the state and federal levels to promote and defend marriage. It has been an interesting and often disheartening journey to see all the consequences of the legalization of same-sex marriage play out almost exactly as we predicted all those years ago.
But there has been a heartening and hopeful turn of events. Alexis Tarkalson shares this new development and gives us tools to more effectively engage in the conversation.
Good news for society and children,
Wendy Wixom, President
United Families International
Beyond “Love Is Love”: Reconsidering the Purpose of Marriage
Alexis Tarkalson
The pedestal upon which the LGBT monolith resides is in danger of cracking. Gallup survey’s report that support for same-sex marriage was at it’s peak in 2022, but since then support has steadily declined, and is down six percentage points from 71% to a modest 65%. Even more surprising is the nine percentage point drop in those who say gay and lesbian relationships are morally acceptable (from 71% to 62), which is the lowest number it has been since 2016.
The fact of the matter is this: support for same-sex marriage is declining in the United States. When avid supporters for same-sex marriage catch up to this revelation, they will be scrambling to recover some of the ground they have lost, and that means we need to be ready to defend why such waning support and interest is justified.
There is a common challenge posited on social media quite regularly which goes like this: Make the argument against same-sex marriage without bringing up religion. Typically what follows is a long thread wherein LGBT advocates dominate the conversation by repeatedly saying it can’t be done.
This article is here to say that it can be done and to give you short and easy talking points to remember.
Argument #1: Marriage is historically complimentary
It’s a historical fact that marriage has always been between a man and a woman. There is no refuting that. It has always been a way to unite men and women together despite their differences biologically and socially. Only through a man and woman is reproduction rendered possible and it is the institution of marriage where duty and responsibility for one another springs forth. Now marriage strictly between one man and one woman has not always been the case, but that is a different topic for a different article. The point is that marriage has always involved at least one man and one woman.
To then interject a different combination into marriage is to cause it to be something it is definitionally not. It’s like making a sweet and sour sauce but only using sweet and sweet or vice versa. It’s no longer the sauce we are familiar with worldwide, no matter how you try to reframe the narrative. The argument is not about the worth or dignity of individuals, but about the nature of marriage itself. With the historical role of marriage being the union of one man and one woman to unite them in their complimentary roles, then same-sex unions fall outside that definition.
Talking Point: Historically marriage has always been the tool used to unite man and woman because only together do they create the next generation – thus governments have a vested interest in supporting it.
Argument #2: Marriage is for the bringing up of children
The popular child’s nursery rhyme teaches us that, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage!” From this we learn the natural order of things, and what comes after a marriage is children. The only way a government can ensure a stable, responsible, and dedicated family is through the marriage of the parents. The government legally recognizes it because it has a natural interest in the future generation. Governments can never create enough programs to compensate for fatherlessness/motherlessness and failure in marriage.
Time and time again research shows that children benefit from the differences that come from a man and woman marriage. Even before same-sex marriage was placed on the table, social sciences showed that a father brings something to the child-raising table that is uniquely his own, just like a mother does. Although differing situations such as single parenthood, divorce, cohabitation, etc, are still capable of producing successful children, research shows these children significantly miss out on what only a man-woman marriage can offer. And societies suffer when children are deprived of their essential needs.
Same-sex marriage tried to get rid of the argument that marriage is about producing children by suggesting that it is really about love. This weakens the marriage bond and thereby weakens the environment in which children reside. Love comes and goes but children are permanent.
We know that when a father is actively involved in the home his children: are less likely to experience depressive symptoms, have a higher birth weight, live a healthier lifestyle, are less likely to experience neglect and abuse, perform better in school, etc.
We also know that when a mother is actively involved in the home her children: are capable of developing a “secure attachment style” (creating healthy relationships), are able to regulate their emotions better, have better social skills, have higher self-esteem, etc.
Talking Point: The argument for marriage as the union of one man and one woman is therefore not based solely on tradition or religious belief. And, contrary to popular belief, marriage isn’t just about love but about giving children the lifelong commitment of both a mother and a father and the unique benefits that accrue from each. Governments engage in marriage because children are entitled to a married mother and father and the well-being it provides to both children and society – not because the government needs to put “the stamp of approval” on “who you love.”
Argument #3: Marriage allowed in any other form is a slippery slope
Since the legalization of marriage in 2015, we have seen many things that we did not expect or want to have happen. The slippery slope that was created in that year has led to:
- An increased demand for polyamory and other diverse relationships to be legally recognized and/or culturally normalized
- The increased demand for the “right to have a child” through adoption, IVF, or surrogacy
- Religious liberty being subverted through continuous litigation on the basis of bigotry and discrimination
- Our children’s education being hijacked by LGBT advocates
- Pride parades that purport to be family-friendly but instead are an opportunity for many participants to engage in inappropriate behavior in front of children
Talking Point: When marriage was redefined it changed more than just marriage; in addition it changed law, education, and religious freedom. This established a precedent that continues to fuel demands for further redefinitions.
Marriage is between a man and a woman
For too long, the debate over marriage has been framed as a question of equality and personal fulfillment. But marriage was never created simply to affirm adult relationships. It exists because men and women together create the next generation, and children flourish best when they are raised by the mother and father who brought them into the world.
People in a committed same-sex relationship can have all the good intentions in the world. They can want to create a stable environment for a child and have a lasting marriage, but they are compromising children when they attempt to do so. Two things can be true at once: We can love those who experience same-sex attraction and live a “gay lifestyle” and also recognize that same-sex marriage as an institution is far from the ideal for society or for the bearing and rearing of children.
For many years it appeared growing public support for same-sex marriage was inevitable, however the tide appears to have turned. But we have a responsibility to not respond with triumphalism, but with clarity. We must once again make the case that marriage is not merely about love—it is about responsibility, children, and the common good. A society that forgets why marriage exists will eventually forget why it should be protected at all.
Alexis Tarkalson graduated from Brigham Young University-Idaho with her degree in Political Science and an emphasis in American Government. She loves spending time with her husband and two children, reading, hiking mountains, and learning new hobbies. The family unit is immensely important to her, as is protecting the associated rights, which is why she volunteers her time towards United Families International.