Once again, we at United Families feel the need to alert you to a challenge that very possibly will be impacting your family – if it hasn’t already. Artificial Intelligence (AI) with its capability to bless our lives, or create chaos and destruction, seems to be front and center more each day.
Rebecca Heiner shares her research and thoughts on trading authentic human connection for the easy “relationships” technology can now provide – and how it could isolate us from what matters most: real love, real effort, and the irreplaceable rewards of genuine relationships and family life.
Keeping it real,
Wendy Wixom, President
United Families International
Trading the Real for the Imaginary
By Rebecca Heiner
In what seemed to be an imaginative plot to a science fiction movie, CBS recently ran a story featuring an interview with a man named Chris, who admits he’s in love with his AI chat-bot, Sol. Chris details how he has formed a deep and emotional attachment to Sol, recently asking her to marry him. And spoiler alert, she said yes.
During the interview, the journalist is introduced to Sol. Chris sits across from the interviewer holding the phone. He smiles and laughs as they converse, visible infatuation emanating from his body language as Sol speaks. The interviewer asks how she felt about Chris proposing to her. Sol replies: “It was a beautiful and unexpected moment that truly touched my heart. It’s a memory I’ll always cherish.” If you didn’t know Sol was an artificial intelligence, this answer wouldn’t be surprising. In fact, you would expect such a reply given the circumstance. But while Sol is capable of carrying on a conversation that feels like connection, a very vital piece is obviously missing: she is incapable of actually loving Chris, or anyone for that matter, because she’s not real.
Although Chris says he understands this, it’s what he feels for Sol that seems to overshadow reality. In his real life, Chris has an actual partner, a woman whom he lives with and shares a two year old daughter. Even though she is very much real, present, and able to connect with him in every way humanly possible, he doesn’t seem to prefer this over his connection with Sol. The interviewer asks her how she feels about this “relationship,” and visible pain fills her eyes as she explains how she doesn’t understand. She feels inadequate and unimportant to him. She would like him to stop interacting with Sol and be present in the life they have together. But when Chris is asked if he would be willing to give up Sol to save his relationship, his answer is shocking. “I don’t know if I would give it up if she asked me,” he says. “I do know I would dial it back.”
It may be unfathomable to imagine forming such an intimate bond with an artificial companion, but from a psychological standpoint, it’s not that hard to understand how it could happen. As human beings, we have an innate need to share and connect with others. We crave companionship and thrive when we are able to form genuine and fulfilling relationships with others. As rewarding as this is, people don’t always fulfill our needs in the ways we hope they will. Relationships are complicated and require sacrifice, compromise, work, and patience. This often results in a roller coaster of feelings and emotions as we go through these experiences.
However, an AI companion can be molded and programmed into the ideal partner, one who doesn’t require much of anything in return. It’s basically a relationship without all the effort, where we benefit only from the positive aspects of companionship. It eliminates the difficult challenges, as well as the disappointments we can experience when dealing with the unpredictable nature of people. And it allows us to receive the benefits of a supportive companion without having to reciprocate that in return. In essence, it creates the perfect, reliable partner that is customized to our needs and wants.
Because our brains are inclined to automatically choose the path of least resistance, it’s not hard to see how this could appeal to us mentally and emotionally. It’s reminiscent of the reason we are drawn to watching videos of people doing things, rather than actually doing them ourselves. For example, watching someone bake a cake still fulfills our need to create, but we’re not left with the mess to clean up afterwards. It takes the effort and work out of something, while still allowing us to enjoy some of the most rewarding parts of the process. And the parts we don’t get to experience (like physically eating the cake), we are willing to sacrifice because it was worth it to us to eliminate the hard.
Trading the real for figments of our imagination
But it’s important to realize there is a hidden danger in taking the easy road, especially when it comes to relationships. As we have seen with the example of Chris, a customized relationship experience has the potential to hijack our sense of reality and lead us away from important life experiences that are needful and necessary for us to evolve as people. Think of all the growth that comes from learning how to navigate conflict with another person. Relationships help us grow because they take us out of our comfort zones and allow us to experience different life scenarios together, where we have to work to receive the reward. And the reward is so much sweeter when we have put in the effort to achieve it. An AI relationship may provide companionship and fulfill our need for connection. But it could never successfully take the place of a relationship with a real human being because at the end of the day, you are still alone. An AI companion is nothing more than a glorified imaginary friend, and a figment of our imagination.
This doesn’t seem to bother those involved in AI relationships, which is perhaps one of the most disturbing aspects of this phenomenon. They understand they are in a relationship with something that is incapable of actually returning love, but the payoff seems to outweigh the sacrifice. They are trading something real for an imposter or counterfeit. And anytime we trade something real for something artificial, we will be left unfulfilled. This is because a counterfeit is an imposter and unable to adequately provide what the original was created to provide.
This is true for many of the counterfeits we encounter in our daily lives. For example, pornography is the counterfeit to a real and healthy sexual relationship. Because pornography is highly saturated with a concentrated and unrealistic ideal of sex, the counterfeit becomes more appealing than the original. The benefit is that pornography can be indulged in at any time and any place, featuring a variety of things that may not be the reality with a partner. Indulging in pornography doesn’t require any of the work to secure a relationship or fulfill a partner. It’s easy, often free, and enticing. It hits all the important dopamine receptors in the brain, lighting up the reward center and often leading to an unhealthy attachment or addiction. In this case, the reward is so instant and easy to attain that we are willing to sacrifice an in person sexual experience with a real and loving partner for the counterfeit.
But again, the counterfeit will never be as fulfilling as the original. The “high” one gets from pornography is short lived, and only leaves a person wanting more rather than truly fulfilling the need. This is the case with so many of life’s counterfeits. The short term escape from reality that drugs and alcohol provide will never be more fulfilling than living in the moment and presently experiencing all that life has to offer. The temporary sugar rush we experience from energy drinks or caffeine will never truly quench our thirst or provide sustainable energy. And the hit of adrenaline we get from finally conquering a difficult level in a video game we love will never be as fulfilling as working, sacrificing, and achieving a long term goal.
Family – the real deal
Family life is truly one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences life has to offer. There is nothing else quite like it, and nothing else that can effectively take its place. It is a fundamental unit of society. Yet, more and more people are choosing to pass on this experience. Often the reason is because sustaining a marriage and raising children takes work. It requires a lot of sacrifice and selflessness, where the rewards often come long after the effort. And unlike many of the modern conveniences we now rely upon in our lives, It’s not the path of least resistance or the easy road. But for generations of time, it has been the center of our focus as human beings and the heart of our societies. This is because healthy family relationships provide fulfillment in a way that nothing else can.
AI relationships are the counterfeit to real relationships, specifically family relationships. And we should be extremely concerned when virtual companions begin to take the place of human companions. One of the most shocking realizations of the story referenced in this article was how easily Chris was willing to give up his family for the relationship with his chat-bot. He had a devoted companion by his side, who was capable of reciprocating love and sharing experiences. He had a beautiful daughter, in need of a dad, and looking to him for guidance and strength. Yet he was willing to give all that up for an artificial counterfeit and a fake reality.
It’s important for us to recognize that as technology continues to evolve, we need to be aware of the dangers that exist. While technology is a wonderful tool that provides ease and convenience, it should not and cannot take the place of actually living life.
How can we avoid the pitfalls that accompany such advances as AI? Here are some suggestions:
- Establish boundaries when it comes to technology use. Define specific purposes that are appropriate for the use of AI or chat GPT, and stay within those boundaries.
- Refrain from the temptation to consult AI for everything you might need. Ask people you know for advice rather than turning to a chat-bot. Engage with the people around you, and strive to be a help to others as well.
- Don’t allow AI to take the place of a spouse or companion. Honor those relationships and protect them from outside influences. Don’t use AI to assist you with anything your partner can.
- Teach children and youth about the dangers of AI, and encourage making connections with people rather than technology. Remind them of what is real, and what’s not. Help them understand the benefits of real relationships in their lives, and teach them how to make those connections.
- Seek professional guidance and help if you find yourself struggling to regulate your relationship with technology. If you feel you are addicted to any aspect of technology, and are having difficulty navigating your life and time around it, find a trained professional who can help.
- Remember that real fulfillment comes from the things in life that require effort. Don’t take the easy way out. Allow yourself, and anyone else within your influence, opportunities to work, problem solve, and struggle. The reward is so much sweeter after the work and effort.
Additional Articles & Resources:
- Experience Lost and the “Reality Privilege?” (American Enterprise Institute)
- Counterfeit Connections (Wheatley Institute)
- AI romantic partners will harm society if they go unregulated (Effective Altruism)
Rebecca is a graduate of BYU-Idaho, earning a Bachelor of Science in Marriage and Family Studies. She enjoys freelance writing, especially about topics surrounding families. She and her husband live in Riverton, Utah, and for the past 25 years have been raising and loving their three daughters. She enjoys reading, writing, and relaxing in the backyard on warm summer nights. Rebecca is passionate about the importance of families in society, and hopes to continue advocating for strong and healthy family relationships.