As a society, we regularly speak of putting children first, but are we really doing that? Between long work hours, busy schedules, and the pull of screens, more and more of the day-to-day work of parenting is slipping into other hands. Does this align with the “putting children first” ethos? This piece takes a closer look at what we gain, what we lose, and what really matters when it comes to who is actually raising our children.
Promoting “children first,”
Wendy Wixom, President
United Families International
Who Is Raising Your Children? Parenting in the Age of Outsourcing
Cristina Cevallos
We often say that parents are the primary educators of their children, but is this still true in 21st-century daily life? In many cases, children spend most of their time with caregivers, third parties, or the internet. Increasingly, essential aspects of upbringing are being delegated: from potty training and manners to academics or leisure activities. Childcare, entertainment, sports, and even transportation are often outsourced as well.
The responsibility of raising children is increasingly being shifted to domestic workers, relatives, teachers, and even Youtube, while parents limit their role to providing financial support and meeting basic needs. This phenomenon is often referred to as the “outsourcing of parenting,” which can be understood as the transfer of intimate tasks historically and normatively performed within the family to formal, often commercial institutions outside the home.
While assistance in the home is understandable, the risk arises when the presence of others begins to replace the direct involvement of parents, particularly when it displaces their right and duty to educate their children.
Underlying factors
One of the main causes of this is that “parenting feels too hard nowadays.” And it may be so, in a world shaped by increasing urbanization, geographic dispersion of families, more demanding work environments, and the rising cost of living, all of which can require both parents to work longer hours. Additionally, ideologies contribute to children being seen as a loss of freedom, pleasure, and time.
Added to this is the lack of extended family living nearby and the absence of a surrounding supportive community, leading people to seek external help from the market or the state. The consequent policy response is a push for increased government funding and greater market provision to expand nonparental care, effectively outsourcing it to paid professionals, so that parents are “freed up” to pursue paid careers or do more things with their time.
Markets vs family
Scholars have labeled such intrusion as the “commercialization” of intimate life. This already offers an initial indication that something is not entirely right, as the market is primarily motivated by profit and cannot provide the same level of emotional care and connection. We are deeply relational beings, beings of love, oriented toward the deepest forms of connection and intimacy, designed for profound dependence and relationship. Indeed, research in neuroscience has confirmed the importance of deeply bonded relationships from birth, showing that strong human connection is the foundation of healthy early development.
Furthermore, studies consistently demonstrate that children are “hardwired” to grow within a small circle of familiar, loving individuals and require stable, continuous relationships in order to thrive. Therefore, the healthy development of both mind and body takes place within a close bond with a deeply committed caregiver, a role that mothers and fathers are uniquely called to fulfill.
The family is the most secure and stable environment that children can have, with a mother and a father each providing complementary physical and emotional care. It works both ways, as both experience a surge of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, in the process of caring for their children.
This helps explain why surveys consistently find that most parents prefer to care for their own young children rather than delegate that responsibility to paid providers. For instance, 62 percent of parents report preferring to share childcare with a spouse, rely on relatives, or make arrangements with friends or neighbors, even when center-based care is free or convenient. In fact, in another recent survey, center-based care was the least preferred option among working mothers. What parents most desire are flexible work arrangements that allow both to share caregiving responsibilities, followed by the possibility of one parent staying home part time or full time.
No public program can provide the environment, parental love, and care of a functioning family, nor the lifelong benefits that follow, especially in the early years. In fact, one study found that more hours per week in any form of non-parental care, during the early years of life are associated with a significantly increased risk of social and emotional challenges, such as lower social competence and greater adult child conflict.
Statistical analysis also showed significant differences in higher levels of hyperactivity, anxiety, and aggression among children who attended more than 30 hours per week of childcare, compared to those who attended around ten hours per week. The greater the degree of outsourcing, the more the emotional bond between parent and child tends to weaken over time, leading to emotional distance and confusion regarding authority and attachment.
Loneliness and new technologies
The lack of strong emotional bonds is already evident in many societies. According to studies, one in two adults is living with loneliness, and 61 percent of young adults report feeling lonely “frequently” or “almost all the time.” We are increasingly spending less time with others, while feeling that the connections we need in our lives exceed the ones we actually have.
A key factor is the rapid transformation brought about by digital technologies, which are reshaping how children and adolescents learn, play, and interact with others. In fact, globally, one in three internet users is a child. Although these technologies can be useful for complementing the knowledge transmitted by parents, exposure at an early age, when cognitive development is still incomplete, to artificial intelligence, bots, unethical or false information, inappropriate content, and screen addiction can be highly risky.
Considering that research shows many adolescents turn to friends rather than parents when they feel threatened online, it becomes essential to prepare children for the safe and constructive use of digital services, while also preventing potential harms.
Social consequences
Today’s children will become tomorrow’s citizens, so we must ask what happens when a generation grows up without consistent parental connection and guidance. As Nobel Prize–winning economist James J. Heckman argues, child poverty should be understood as growing up in environments that fail to stimulate and encourage development, which ultimately leads to adults who do not reach their full potential and are unable to fully flourish.
Skill formation is one of the most important human capabilities and develops throughout the life cycle. It depends on the conditions we are born into, even before birth, as well as on family and environment. Brain development is shaped by early experiences, as interactions can either strengthen or hinder its foundations, with parents, society, and schools playing a central role.
When a strong skill base is built early, individuals are better able to develop further abilities and be productive throughout life. As Heckman concludes, even less educated but highly engaged parents can raise successful children through strong attachment and consistent interaction.
What can we do?
Katharine B. Stevens, founder of the Center on Child and Family Policy, points out that the crucial policy question is “How do we promote the healthy development of young children?” Once we recognize this as the central goal, the fundamental role of families becomes clear.
Therefore, if for the majority of parents caring for their own young children is the work they want to do, public policy should support and encourage this role rather than displace it. Accordingly, providing families with greater support, including economic and tax relief, can give them the freedom to choose what they believe is best for their children’s care, especially for those who feel financially compelled to rely on paid childcare in order to earn a living.
Every family situation is different and requires its own discernment. However, it is worth asking: am I working mainly to pay someone else to raise my children? Could I sacrifice certain working hours or personal time to create more space with them? It is important to remember that education is not only academic, but also takes place through example and shared experiences. And even when circumstances cannot easily be changed, it remains essential to ensure that children are receiving quality care and formation. After all, they are your children. Are you truly the one raising them?
Cristina is a Peruvian lawyer with a master’s degree in Human Rights. She combines political experience with her work as a writer and researcher, focusing on bioethics, family, religious freedom, and cultural heritage.