November 4, 2025
By: Erika Casamalhuapa
Negative and Positive Relationships with family members can have lasting effects. Kelly Clarkson, an American singer-songwriter, is no stranger to the challenges of family relationships. She has often spoken about the painful abandonment she experienced from her father’s absence which inspired songs like “Piece by Piece.” You can see the hurt and emotion as she sings about the heartbreaking experience of her father leaving the family. She tried to connect with her father many times throughout her life proving that negative relationships with family members can have a lasting effect on a child and their development into adulthood.
It is natural to want healthy relationships, but unfortunately a significant amount of family members develop a falling-out. One of the growing issues among families is estrangement. Estranged relationships can last from months to years. In the United Kingdom, family estrangement is one in five. In Scotland 12% of people say they are no longer in contact with a family member. And one in ten Americans have a parent-child estrangement in the United States. This is a universal issue that we see in the media and even within our close friends and family. It is important to understand the causes of relationship breakdowns and know how to repair weakening relationships.
Causes For Severing Ties
When it comes to estrangement, there are many things that could cause someone to separate from a loved one. Each situation is different with varying degrees of severity. Rifts in the family can affect others and create division where family members are forced to choose to take a side. This can cause relationships to deteriorate and spark family feuds. Some relationships may slowly disconnect over time because of distance or life choices. One study revealed that among relationships between siblings, parents/children, and grandparents, various factors contribute to estrangement. Among the top mentioned were:
- Personality conflicts
- Lying
- Betrayal
- Manipulative behavior
- Abuse that was physical, sexual, or emotional (Particularly regarding a parent-child relationship
When asked about openness to reconciliation, these same participants revealed:
- 45% of siblings were willing to reconcile with an estranged sibling
- 35% of children were willing to reconcile with an estranged parent
- 70% of parents were willing to reconcile with an estranged child
The reasons for estrangement may be complicated and often include painful past circumstances that need to be addressed and resolved. However, the data shows a significant willingness to repair damaged relationships. This tells that family ties run deep, and relationships are important. How can we come to the decision that a relationship is worth the effort of restoration?
Making Amends
There are times when extreme situations (such as abuse) may make it necessary to sever relationship ties. But aside from the extreme, strained relationships can often be repaired when we know how to make amends. Assessing the situation to decide if we are ready is an important first step. Mental Health therapist Khara Croswaite Brindle, suggests asking ourselves the following questions:
- Why do I want to reconcile?
- What are my expectations of the reconciled relationship?
- What steps will I agree to for reconciliation?
- What can I take responsibility for?
In other words, we should determine if our reconciliation sincere. Can we be humble enough to look at our own actions in the breakdown of the relationship? Maybe we have done something that was hurtful or maybe we have not. In order to get clarity, we need to be open to listen and
reassess our interactions.
Crossing the Silence
A common area that contributes to separation in relationships is communication. Angela Watkins, a counsellor at RED DOOR gives some instruction on those first conversations to healing. She explains how once we are able to interact and begin a conversation, we should be careful not to further add to the division by lecturing. We should be sensitive to create a comfortable environment where each person can be heard and feel respected. If reaching out is challenging, try communicating (on a birthday or holiday) through a letter.
It is also important to actively listen, validate feelings, show empathy, and apologize when needed. Marie Morin, who specializes in healing family estrangement, teaches that validating feelings is acknowledging the way someone feels. This does not mean we need to agree with everything they say. When we show empathy, we are trying to relate to another person’s experience and attempt to understand why they feel a certain way. Transferring empathy into words is describing how you think the other person feels or how you might feel in their experience. The goal is to show how everyone’s feelings are important.
Moving Forward
Estrangement and disconnection from the family we hold dear can cause pain and grief. Some relationships feel easy and natural, while others are more challenging. Anyone who has experienced abuse should always be cautious and protect themselves as they move forward. There are circumstances where reconnections may not be healthy. However, the reasons for estrangement are not always severe and many situations are mendable. If there is someone in your life that you deeply miss, don’t wait. Take action and find a way to reach out.
Erika is a senior at Brigham Young University-Idaho, majoring in Marriage and Family Studies, and will graduate in December 2025. She lives in Hampstead, North Carolina, with her husband and three children. She is passionate about strengthening families and fostering healthy relationships. In her free time, she enjoys long walks, singing, playing volleyball, trying new foods, and spending time with friends and family.