March 3, 2026
By: Janina Glass
I once watched an episode of The Bachelor. The plot line was predictable: one man was down to three women, and he had a choice to make. He was being given three overnight dates in fantasy suites with each of the three. The way he justified it was by explaining, “I just need to see who I have the best chemistry with.” Some other viewers might have nodded along, but I was floored! I realized something: chemistry was the only information he’d had time to collect — and now he was diving even deeper into that same dimension. Something was missing here. I wondered: Is chemistry the only thing any of us looks for when dating?
I understand that this show is made in the name of entertainment, but it also reads as a social script, both influencing and being influenced by society. This wasn’t only one man’s quest for love; it was a symbolic instruction book for how such a quest might be conducted. The message was clear: If you want to know whether someone is right for you, go deeper physically and see how it feels.
Modern Dating Culture
During the latter half of the 20th century, intimacy increasingly became disconnected from commitment, and marriage changed from expectation to option. That shift changed not only behavior, but expectations.
Modern dating culture encourages using intimacy as a test for compatibility. If the spark is strong enough, if the chemistry feels undeniable, then surely that relationship must have long-term potential.
The problem is, sexual intimacy is designed to reinforce connection. It was never designed to objectively test compatibility. It can’t eliminate uncertainty, but it can “accidentally” create connection where it wasn’t intended if it’s introduced too soon.
Timing Matters
Biology helps explain why this matters: Sexual intimacy releases bonding hormones that deepen attachment and alter our perception. Oxytocin can amplify perceived positives while minimizing warning signs. (Ever hear of the phrase “Love is blind”?) What feels like certainty in the moment can actually be dopamine reinforcing connection before judgment has fully formed.
The problem is not that chemistry exists; the problem is that we are being told to navigate by fireworks.
Fireworks are intense, beautiful, and impossible to ignore. They create a spectacle of excitement as they flare brightly against the sky. But fireworks, however dazzling, are not a directional tool. They flare brightly and then disappear.
Attraction is powerful. It is bright, intense, and intoxicating. It grabs our attention and makes the world feel electric! But when people use sexual intimacy as a tool to discover whether a relationship will work, they often find themselves in the smoke of disillusionment and confusion. That’s because healthy human attachment actually works in reverse.
Healthy Attachment & True Intimacy
When navigating romance, it’s better to aim for a lighthouse. Lighthouses offer the ability to find your way back to shore when the waters get rough and nights get stormy. It may not feel as dramatic as fireworks, but it is strong enough to build a journey around.
Dr. John Van Epp’s Relationship Attachment Model describes five bonding dynamics that develop in healthy relationships. It’s literally a matter of putting first things first:
- Knowing
- Trusting
- Relying
- Committing
- Touching
When these areas grow gradually and in proportion, attachment deepens along with discernment. When physical intimacy accelerates ahead of knowledge, trust, and shared commitment, attachment can crowd out discernment. That makes it harder to step back if serious concerns arise. Many people feel caught in this pattern, asking, “Why do I always end up dating a jerk?” That’s the question Van Epp addresses in How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk.
Many people suppose that early sexual involvement is just how dating works, and don’t realize how much it muffles their ability to detect someone who is selfish, manipulative, or worse.
Finding Commitment And Balance
To those who are wondering where all the “good ones” have gone, consider whether the person you dismissed as “just a friend” might actually possess the steadiness you’re looking for. To those of you who are already committed, know that intensity naturally builds as trust deepens; fireworks can be rekindled.
Marriage is one of the most profound commitments we can make, and decades of research have found that it tends to benefit those who enter into it. When intimacy strengthens an already-chosen commitment rather than serving as a test for one, it works with how we are actually wired.
This article is not about shaming those who haven’t followed that path. It is about acknowledging that we have been given a script that does not function as well as it promises. This script hasn’t been formed by accident. In the media, intensity keeps people watching. It keeps them clicking and scrolling. Emotional fireworks are profitable, which is why they often steal the show.
A Better Way
There is a better way, a protective way.
Build knowledge first. Take time to know someone’s character. Observe how they handle disappointment. Notice whether they repair conflict or deflect it. See how they treat people who aren’t key players in their life. Rather than expecting to be swept away, you can start with friendship and let trust form slowly.
Chemistry is not the enemy of love. It just shouldn’t be used as a compass. If you want to journey safely — if you want a relationship sturdy enough to weather disappointment, boredom, stress, and time — start looking for something steady enough to guide you. Fireworks are amazing, but when we take the time to lock on to something deeper first, we discover (and create) something that has the potential to last a lifetime.
Janina is an artist, writer, and the proud mother of five children through birth and adoption. She and her husband of 26 years live in Iowa, where family life and creative work go hand in hand. Through blogging, coaching, parenting, and painting, Janina is passionate about fostering empathy and hope – believing these qualities have the power to bring healing and understanding to families and communities.